From my Journal: Sept. 29

“I’m learning to accept the notion that every so often, there will be a day that’s just hard– and that’s ok. I can still keep on doing all the things I normally do, even if my mind feels whirly or stressy or I feel a bit like I’m in a dream– I can still go through the actions of everyday life. Anxiety is a way that I feel sometimes when I do things, not a thing that keeps me from doing things. It’s ok to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, and it’s ok not to feel perfectly balanced and ready to take on the world all the time. “Normal” is not a single, perfectly balanced state of being, rather a variety of more or less functional states of being, each with its own drawbacks, advantages, and levels of insight, external awareness, and productivity. ”

–Me, Sept. 29, 2015

I needed to hear this from myself today. It was definitely one of those days where I didn’t leave the house much, and for a former agoraphobic, that feels like the default setting, like failure. It doesn’t have to be. Spending almost an entire day at home isn’t necessarily the end of the world if you don’t make it out to be. And the truth is, I didn’t feel trapped today. Lonely? Sure. A little below maximum vitality? Yup. But I also started learning how to code websites, meditated for nearly an hour, made art, wrote the better part of a response paper, bought two books simply because I wanted them, cooked healthy food for myself, did laundry, paid a bill, mailed two letters, worked on my abs and back for a bit, and wrote this paragraph, and writing this, now, I don’t feel like such a failure after all.

It is legitimate, in the end, to make the world work for you sometimes. To take what you need from life and get things done in a way that feels manageable, reasonable, and your own. Push yourself, yes. We should all reach toward growth in as many ways as we can. But too much self-awareness, too much rumination, too much ANYTHING, is paralyzing. Today I made the most of a compromise, and I’m proud of that.

–Still Me, Feb. 26, 2016

In what ways did you make yourself proud today? And don’t say none.

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